Crown Him With Many Crowns

No, this is not about the famous hymn, but it is what my dentist says when he sees me coming. Yesterday I spent more time in the "chair" (at least it was not the electric chair) as the temporary crown was removed and the permanent one was glued in place. What a pity that it is way in the back, on top, where nobody can see it. Usually when one spends $1000.00 on something, it gives a bit of pleasure to show it off to those who are trying to keep up with you. A crown puts a lie to the saying "No pain, no gain." It should read "Lots of pain, no gain." The needle, the grinding, the prodding, the shearing off of the nerve, the suction, the sore neck and shoulders, and then, to add insult to injury, the bill. 

This is at least my fifth crown. A few of them are gold but I do not like to tell too many people as the price of gold continues to go up. I stay away from dark alleys. But, this time around, I got a bonus. I did not pay anything extra. It was free. It is true. I was not sure just how big a bonus until I got home and the freezing left my sagging face. The dental assistant said, as a throw away comment, "By the way, you sustained an injury. Just gargle with salt water and it will be fine." 

I rolled my numb tongue around my mouth and could only barely make out the rough foreign object in my upper jaw where there used to be a tooth that I was friends with for over 55 years. As I heard it being ground to dust, I shed a tear for it. It got me through a lot of tough meat and many hard nuts and candies. And now it was gone, sucked up a vacuum tube and on its way to a sewage treatment plant somewhere near the river. I could almost hear it screaming. Oh, that was me. Sorry. 

Anyway, my tongue also sensed, but did not really taste, a metallic sort of flavour over by my cheek somewhere. I ignored it until I got home a while later. It was then that I got a flashlight and my best pair of glasses ( I have many a pair, each for a variety of tasks) and discovered a large patch of raw meat on my inner cheek next to the temporary crown where my little amalgam filled friend used to be. I dismissed it as a scrape and forgot about it. 

But, you all know how your tongue begins to explore the new reality in your mouth when the freezing leaves. The sense of taste and feel gradually returns and you check out what the dentist has done and see if it really feels like a thousand dollars worth of work and material. It did not take long and I discovered the that the 'scrape' on my cheek was not a scrape, but an actual chunk of flesh actually missing. You know how when you are golfing and you hit the ball on the fare way and a large divot flies out of the ground. This was just like that. There was a large divot missing from my cheek. I shone a flashlight from the inside of my mouth to the outside to see if the light was shining through, it was that deep. The dentist did not replace the divot, but just left the gaping raw hole. Had he been golfing, he would have been taken to task for his unsportsmanlike conduct, but he is a dentist and they seem to be able to get away with behaviour like this. They always send you away quickly before the freezing goes away, and apparently for good reason. 

It was a full week before I could chew food on that side of my mouth and it was not because of the crown work. 

I suggested to the dentist that the next time he works in my mouth, he leave his golf clubs in his car. I am scheduled for at least two more crowns. For now, I am postponing the procedures.

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"By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he is too old to go anywhere."  Bill Crystal