Washroom Humour

Modern Humour

Only a few years ago, this little bit of humour would have gone over every one's head. I am sure that just in the last week you have seen examples of iPhone idiocy. The frantic texting, tweeting, instagramming, and pinteresting has become such a priority in life that there is an ad on TV where a mother suddenly looks up from her iPhone and realizes her child is missing. She puts down her phone and frantically looks for her child. Oblivious to the world around us, we text and twit ourselves into trouble. There are even laws against doing this while we drive. Doing it in the presence of friends is just plain bad manners, unless, of course, you are texting that friend. Now that is just dumb!

Dysfunction used to be a word used only in the most severe cases of abnormal behaviour. Today, everyone is dysfunctional. It is almost a badge of honour. It is being unique, different, standing out from the crowd, an attention getter, being true to yourself, and most important, an excuse. I remember when a dysfunctional family was one where there was a plethora of abuse, divorce, failure, violence, law-breaking, and general abnormality. Today, dysfunction is normal. We are all dysfunctional. It is the reason we are all screwed up, to one degree or another. Unless everything is perfect in your family and all your relationships are ideal, you too are dysfunctional. Give your friends a moment and they will be able to tell you why you are this way. It takes one to know one.

And therein lies the humour. There is so much dysfunction that it has lost its meaning. A normal person is now the one who is dysfunctional.

No Fooling

As of today, April 1, 2012, I quit. No more blogging. I'm sick and tired of it. I am chucking my camera and my keyboard and I am so done with it. Should'a done it a long time ago. No fooling.

Snowman Humour, or Not

The missing snowman was eventually found. He was at Safeway in the produce department, picking his nose.

One snowman to another, "You are right, it does smell like carrots!"

When Mr. Snowman put his entire paycheck in the snow bank, Mrs. Snowman gave him the cold shoulder.

Enough already. I can hear your groans from here!

Hundreds Gather to Protest Global Warming

My Birthday Adventure

It started with a trip to the candle store where we purchased an amount of candles equal to my years. After stuffing as many as we could on the birthday cake, this is how many we had left!

This is the result of a birthday celebration gone bad because of too many years (candles). Great! Now everyone in town as well as everyone in the Fire Department knows it is my birthday.

We finally opted for a more practical solution, and besides, our fire permit was only good for one conflagration. I think next year we will go to one of those restaurants that bring the birthday boy one piece of cake after his meal. Let them deal with all the soot and smoke!

UFO in Triptych

On Feb. 19th, I posted a photo of a UFO landing, but it was implied, as the light was coming from behind the tree. This is a photo taken in a rapid fire sequence, just before the Feb. 19th photo, in which you can clearly see the UFO in question. I found later that the dog was abducted and his brains were sucked out. After a careful analysis of the data, the aliens discovered that the creature they had captured owned the two up-right humanoids accompanying it. This evidence lead to the conclusion that these creatures ruled the humanoids and orchestrated their lives. A further fact finding mission contradicted this theory, however. Apparently the creature abducted on the second mission was a cat.

When you call a dog, it comes running, tail wagging, tongue lolling, ears perked up, and eyes wide, eager for a good time.

When you call a cat, it makes an appointment.

UFO

It was late summer and the light was right for a photo shoot. The rows of freshly cut alfalfa gave definition to the foreground as the trees were silhouetted in the afternoon haze of a hot muggy day. I set up the tripod and was wondering how I could give scale and perspective, together with a little interest to the photograph I was about to shoot. It just happened so quickly and the timing was perfect. A couple walking their dog, slightly separated from each other, came into view. Often, staging something like this does not work and can look unnatural, so I felt so fortunate to be at the right place at the right time.
And speaking of good timing, the UFO that settled in the neighbouring field was a real bonus too.

Funny

My grandsons appreciate a good joke. As they get older, the jokes can get a little more sophisticated and it is such a pleasure to watch their faces as they suddenly 'catch on' and 'get it'.
We have covered all the categories. Elephant jokes, 'why did the little boy' jokes, and tons of 'pun' jokes. It is soon time to move to the big leagues, the 'blonde jokes'.

Here is one of my favourites. A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were raiding the apple orchard at night when they saw the farmer coming with a flashlight to investigate all the commotion. They dashed for the only hiding place they could find, an old storage shed. Inside, the place was bare, except for a huge pile of burlap gunny sacks. They each crawled into one just as the farmer came through the door. The farmer saw a bit of movement in the sacks and kicked one. It was the redhead and she said, with soft squeaky voice, "Meow."
The farmer moved to the next lumpy sack and kicked it. The brunette said quite convincingly, "Woof, woof."
The farmer then proceeded to the last sack, the one that held the blonde, and gave it a nudge. Out of the sack came small squeaky voice. "Potatoes".

Friday the Thirteenth

Today is Friday the thirteenth and isn't that a good reason to throw a celebration? Last year I propped my ladder up against my house right over the sidewalk that was cracked. While coaxing my neighbours black cat to cross my path, I walked under the ladder and broke a mirror just as I stepped on the crack. As luck would have it, I stumbled on the crack, fell onto the cat and broke its tail, fell into the glass of the broken mirror and cut my hands. While trying to get back on my feet, I banged my head on the ladder and that made me swallow the four leafed clover I was holding in my lips for good luck. To top it off, the rabbit's foot in my pocket scratched my thigh and I ended up with a nasty blood infection that took a ton of medication to cure.
This year I am lying low.

Funny and Not so Funny

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and hospital paperwork and was burned out.Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark."You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."

And, not so funny:

The National Post reported on January 15th, 2009 that the department of Canadian Heritage and the Canada Council of the Arts awarded $30,000 to an artist to build a machine that simulates the creation of and freeze-dries human waste … Ouch!

And this in a time of recession and 'belt tightening'.

Don't Mess With the Elderly

Being a bit of a red-neck myself, I like this story I found.

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

For The Nurses

IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY
• Artery - The study of paintings.
• Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria.
• Barium - What doctors do when patients die
• Cesarean Section - A neighbourhood in Rome
• Catscan - Searching for Kitty.
• Cauterize - Made eye contact with her.
• Colic - A sheep dog.
• Coma - A punctuation mark.
• Dilate - To live long.
• Enema - Not a friend.
• Fester - Quicker than someone else.
• Labour Pain - Getting hurt at work.
• Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane.
• Morbid - A higher offer.
• Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates.
• Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis.
• Seizure - Roman emperor.
• Tablet - A small table.
• Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport.
• Tumour - One plus one more.
• Urine - Opposite of you're out

These medical terms have nothing to do with the frost pictures, but it is better that the rant I had planned against Obama. Maybe another day.

Only in Canada Eh?

The weather is cold and miserable. I came in from a bit of work outside and got this little poem emailed to me. How appropriate for a day like today.

WINTER Poem

It's winter in Canada and the gentle breezes blow,
Seventy miles an hour at thirty-five below.
Oh, how I love Canada when the snow's up to your butt,
You take a breath of winter, and your nose gets frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful, so I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Canada,
'Cause I'm frozen to the ground!

Stay Out Of The Woods

When it happened, the parents of the two children were very reluctant to allow it to go public. It became common knowledge after some time, but the story was always told as a rumour, or a legend. The old woman who had kept them captive for several weeks, recovered from the burns she received during the escape attempt and was not seen for many years. If indeed she did return, she did not have the energy or the willingness to restore her house to its former condition. Those who saw it, say she had decorated the outside with the specific purpose of luring young children. It obviously worked, if the stories are true. Today, parents are especially safety conscious and would never let their young children play in the forest, even though I did it all the time as a young boy. What became of the two youngsters is not well known, but it has been rumoured that they took business courses at Grimm's College and soon after that opened a Bavaria style restaurant that served excellent schnitzel. They named it "The Hansel and Gretel".

In The Woods

This is where it happened. It was quite some time ago, or so the rumour goes. It could have been recently, and by all appearances, it could happen here again. There was an attempt to burn the old shack down, but the owner said she would come back one day, when she was ready. Not many people know of this place, and indeed many say it does not exist. I stumbled on it one day while searching the countryside for photo opportunities and knew right away that this was the place. There is not much evidence now, however, if one lets their imagination run wild, it is obviously the location. I did not dare go any nearer. Was it fear? Was it respect? I simply snapped the shutter, and with a shiver running down my spine, I crept back through the forest to the road. Upon close inspection of the photo, enlarged several times, I was half expecting to see her face in the window. It could be there, obscured by the old brittle panes of glass and by time.

Trauma on a Sunny Day

I was relaxing on the cool green grass when....
I began to wonder why the lawn mower was getting larger, and larger, and
Larger!!
And then it hit me!

Which one is your favourite?