Another chapter from "Painting to Learn"

Here is another chapter from my collection of work life experiences. Last time, I broke it into segments, but it is a little confusing because the last post should be read first. This time, the whole story is in one post, top to bottom, as it should be. Don't be intimidated by the length, it is not that long. :-) I wrote this in 2001


Family Ties
When I became a grandfather, I began to be enveloped by a profound sense of family legacy. This was quite different from the realization of fatherhood and parenting that overwhelmed me when our first child was born. I began to think of the influence of past generations and how the traditions and behaviors of our forefathers had such a direct bearing on the shape and texture of our present generation. How did this come about and how could I influence the direction that our little family would take as a result of things that I would do as a father and now as a grandfather.
My first grandson had just been born and I was pondering these issues when I had the timely opportunity to work for an elderly couple that not only told me, but modeled to me, a very important lesson. I was not really expecting anything profound to come out of a simple two day job, redecorating a kitchen/family room with new wallpaper. The couple were the parents of a young family down the street and around the corner who had recommended me. The elderly gentleman had always done his own work but recently had to go on kidney dialysis and was not feeling up to fulfilling his wife's wishes for a new look in the kitchen.
I found them quite pleasant and down-to-earth people and knew I would enjoy my short time with them. Mid-afternoon came and there were suddenly 2 adolescent boys at the door and they just walked right in. I was a little taken by surprise until I recognized them as the 2 boys from down the street and around the corner. These were the grandsons who obviously felt comfortable enough with Grandpa and Grandma that they could just walk right in on them. They were immediately welcomed and Grandma, seeming to have sensed that they would be there exactly at that time, got out 2 large glasses of milk and a plate of home made chocolate chip cookies. I knew the boys would enjoy these because I had sampled them earlier that morning with the coffee break that was so graciously provided for me.
Working in the same room, I could not help but observe and listen to the proceedings. I was immediately impressed with the fact that these boys really cared for their grandparents and that the grandparents were very interested in all that the boys had to say. I sensed a genuine loving and caring relationship and was surprised because I had rarely seen this before in the thousands of homes I had worked in. Later, when the boys left, I couldn't help but start a conversation regarding what I just witnessed. The grandfather was quite willing to talk about it and share a few lessons with me that he had learned.
I discovered that these two boys would never go to their own home directly from school, but everyday would first go to Grandpa and Grandma's. Had they been latch-key kids, I would have understood, but their own mother was a stay at home mom and was always there for her kids. I had never sensed any strain in their household so the boys were not delaying their trip home for any ulterior motive, but simply because they loved their grandparents so much that they wanted to spend some time each day with them.
This surprised me because I had never experienced this and I always thought that the generation gap would be so great that all you could expect from a Grandparent/Grandchild relationship would be a little kindness and lots of respect. Needless to say, I asked how this precious bond had been developed over the years and told him how I was getting a fresh new start as a Grandfather and I wanted to do things right. He thought for a while and then told me how easy and how difficult it was. Knowing what to do was the easy part. Doing it was the hard part.
It started with simply being interested in everything that they do. Really listen when they talk to you. Don't judge their comments or their actions. Don't let anything distract you when you spend time with them. Tell them that you love them. Encourage them. Go to their soccer games, even in the rain. And always have cookies and milk on hand.
We have all heard that before, have we not? But I began to think about each one of those things and I now realize just how difficult each one of those points is to carry through. As my grandson grows and develops, I try to do all of those things but there are times when my own selfishness gets in the way. Yes, it is easy to say that I have more important things to do than to sit down and read a story, or play Snakes and Ladders. The work in my office beckons, but there is a little boy who wants my time and attention and if I am serious about that relationship that I coveted, then I should be able to postpone the important things in life to concentrate on the really important things in life. In my travels through people's homes over the years, I have seen every refrigerator magnet ever made and the one that comes to mind now is one I saw just very recently. It said "Never sacrifice the future on the altar of the immediate."
I must now tell a story about the opposite end of the spectrum. It is something that so impacted me that I have never forgotten it and it plays in my mind like it happened yesterday, even though it was in the early years.
Again, it was for an elderly couple and I was in their suite for a number of days. I enjoyed hearing the man's experiences and found them quite amazing because he was a WW I vet and related to me stories of the trench warfare and mustard gas and all the horrible things that I had only read about. The last day I was there, he was sitting in his easy chair, reading the newspaper and she was in the kitchen busily preparing lunch for him. The phone rang. I was right there and hearing only one side of the conversation, I could never have guessed what the call was all about.
" Oh."
Pause.
" Oh, that is very interesting. Thank-you so much for calling. Bye now."
Like me, her husband was only mildly interested, and could not guess what it was all about. So he inquired.
" It was the Florida State Highway Patrol. They called to say that our daughter was killed in a motor vehicle accident last night."
My heart skipped a beat and I froze. I turned to him to see his reaction and have never been more shocked and amazed in my whole life. He never even put his paper down or paused his scanning down the page. He said in a very calm and almost detached way," Is that right? That's very interesting."
Thinking that at any moment the reality would hit home and he would have a different reaction, I kept silent and tried to work out in my mind what I would say to them. To my utter amazement, they both just carried on with what they were doing.
I finally was able to blurt out a few words and said how sorry I was and if they wanted to be alone for a while and did they want me to pack up my tools and finish another day. At that point, he put his paper down and addressed me. He assured me it was OK to keep on working. It didn't matter that she was dead because they had not seen her in 30 years and had no intention of ever seeing her again. He simply said that there had been a falling out many years ago and there just wasn't anything there between them any longer.
I could only stand there and stare at the two of them. Never had I ever imagined that a father and daughter, or a mother and daughter could ever become so estranged as to come to something like this. I finished the job in stunned silence and at the end of the day bid my farewell and left. Stepping out into the fresh air was like waking up from a bad dream. Did I really just have that experience?
Since that time, I have come to realize that situation I have just described is not all that uncommon. I have since met many people who have not seen parents or children or siblings for most of their lives, and say that they really don't care. I don't really believe them, but I do believe that they have woven such a web of pride and unforgiveness that they do not know how to extricate themselves. What a contrast to the couple who spend quality time with their grandsons everyday.
We build or destroy relationships one comment at a time, one act at a time, one thought at time. The harvest we reap in the end, will depend entirely on the seeds that have been sown from the beginning.