Chill

I have written a few stories of my childhood and my work experiences and have posted some of them on this blog. There are more. I have a distinct advantage of having been the only one present during these experiences so none can dispute their veracity. However, there was a small thread weaving through those times that I have been remiss in exposing. I am not proud of it, nor should I probably even write about it, but as I was choosing a photo for today, this flower, standing tall and seemingly alone, in sharp contrast to its surroundings, reminded me of a few things. ( I don't really know how this works, but I choose a photo and then I depend on it for a wee bit of inspiration. It often works.)
As part of a fallen world, we all have our flaws and those aspects to our personalities that we battle with, trying to overcome those urges that we know are counterproductive. One of my battles was, and is to a much lesser degree today, with my short fuse and caustic temper. I am not sure what the root of this is, perhaps pride, or even a deep seated anger that has not been resolved, but it can be deadly. I rarely took it out on my family, but I am ashamed to admit that I did on occasion. I did take it out on a few of my customers over the years and I cannot believe that my business survived such bad behaviour on my part. I remember several times getting into an argument with a client, usually when they questioned me on something, perhaps in an accusatory tone, or criticized my work. I would try to gloss it over, but if pressed even a little, I would blow up. On more than one occasion I simply cleaned up my tools, told them to get somebody else to do their work, told them they did not have to pay me, told them to never ever call me again, and simply left. Well, not simply leave, but leave with an exasperated and angry comment over my shoulder. If I hired someone today and they carried on like that in my home, what would I think? Yes, I would think they had a real problem and probably write them off as a jerk and certainly never recommend them to anyone else.
But, one of the advantages of growing older, if indeed there are any, is that we become a bit wiser. Some may call it becoming mellow, but for me there is a deliberate attempt to keep a level head. Because I am a passionate person by nature, as I am sure my regular readers have discovered in my frequent 'rants', I continually fight the urge to raise my voice and yes, even get angry. I have learned though, that a cool and level head accomplishes much greater things. In fact, if something is said quietly enough and slowly enough, most people will listen and nod in agreement. Anger begets anger and should have no place in our lives. It sows seeds of bitterness and then later, remorse. Any of you have permission from me to remind me of this post if you see me angry.
PS I also believe that what comes out of me, comes out of my heart. God is in the business of changing hearts and I have been slowly letting him do that.